An old acquaitance of Joel's from his time at Focus on the Family back when we were in college recently lost his wife.  He has two young children, and has been blogging about his experiences and emotions.  It's made me realize I haven't done any of that in months.

So many experiences in my life, both good and bad, if I sit down and think about them, seem dreamlike.  I wonder...did that really happen?...but then I know they did because of the memories I have, and the emotions associated with them.

I feel blessed beyond measure.  Andrew is such an amazing husband.  He loves me when I'm not very lovable or kind.  He has demonstrated to me again and again what unconditional love looks like.  He lives up to the verse in Ephesians that tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church.  I understand Christ's love so much better because of him.  In addition, I feel like God has blessed us materially as well.  We both have good jobs.  We bought a house we both love.  My house in Muncie sold.  We've made new friends, found a church, etc.  I even found out today I passed the first of four CPA exam sections.  It all seems too good sometimes, especially in light of where I was just a year and a half ago.

You know, I felt closer to the Lord in the midst of intense emotion and struggle than I do now, with all going well.  It makes me thankful...in a strange way...for what I went through.  I came to understand God in a way I never would have had life gone as planned.  Not that I want to live life in continuous struggle...hopefully you understand what I mean.

Joel's mom told me today that Joel's gravestone is now in the ground.  Again...memories of the day we buried him almost seem like a dream.  I sometimes still can't believe he's really gone.  The man I married and experienced life with for years is gone.  I can never talk to him again on this earth.

Now obviously Andrew has replaced a lot of those roles, but I still lost my best friend.  It's amazing how interspersed between times of fun and joy now, certain memories bring up such sadness.

I'm glad I've taken the time to reflect on things.  Sometimes, I get so caught up in life, I don't take the time to remember and grieve like I did in the months following Joel's death.  Thank you to those who continually take time to love and encourage me.  Again, I feel so blessed!

Most of you know by now, but April 5th, Andrew Tyler asked me to marry him.  We're planning a wedding for this September.  I feel overwhelmingly blessed!

Since I never shared all the details of our meeting and dating, I thought I would share some of that now.  First of all, Andrew is the brother of my employer Rob Tyler, who I have been working for for nearly five years now.  Many of you saw Rob speak at Joel's memorial service last year.

When I began the process last September of interviewing for accounting positions, one of the places I interviewed with was DFAS...the Dept of Defense Finance and Accounting Services.  Andrew works there and so Rob put us in contact so that I could ask questions about working there, etc.  Somehow over the following couple of weeks, we ended up having several long phone conversations, talking about much more than just interviews and DFAS.  I knew that Andrew would be in Muncie for Ball State's Homecoming the first weekend in October, and thought he might call me while in town.  Well, he did.  We had our first "date" that weekend.  At first, I was hesitant.  I had had so many people tell me to wait a year to date at all.  I prayed so much those first couple months of talking and then eventually seeing Andrew.  I really wanted to make sure it was what God had for me.  We got together with family and godly friends and really sought wisdom as we tried to figure out if our futures were headed in the same direction.

The past 6-7 months have helped us to grow in confidence in each other and in our relationship.  As you know, I was also offered an accounting position at a CPA firm in Indianapolis that begins October 4th.  This is not where Andrew works, but rather another firm that I interviewed with last fall.

I almost forgot to share the engagement story!!  Andrew drove up last Monday and asked if I wanted to go rollerblading.  We have done this often since last fall, so I didn't think anything of it.  Well, we got to the place where we always turn around to head back.  There is a bench and a wooden bridge where we usually rested and talked for awhile and then headed back south.  Well, that night, Andrew knelt down beside me while I was looking over the edge of the bridge.  I couldn't believe it...we had been talking about getting married, but I did not expect him to ask for another month or so.  He quoted a verse from the Bible about "every good and perfect gift comes from above" and that I was his perfect gift.  He gave me a beautiful ring.

We are planning a wedding in Muncie for September 18, 2010.  That's about all I know so far.  We have lots of wedding planning ahead.  We also are trying to figure out where we want to live...whether we want to rent, or pursue buying a house.  Please pray for all these decisions!!

Love you all!

~Kristen

I'm not being very consistent in my blogging.  It's been an eventful, busy month since I wrote last.

I mentioned Joel's and my 5th anniversary coming up at that point.  Actually, that whole week was pretty emotional.  I attempted to clean out my office at home, which was mostly a room Joel used in the past.  Anyway, needless to say, I still haven't accomplished cleaning out the room.  Everytime I attempt it, it becomes such an emotional experience, that I only last an hour or so and then I need to move on to something else because it leaves me so drained.  I've found books of poetry Joel wrote before I even knew him, letters I wrote him during our dating relationship...just a lot of memories.

All the weekends since then have been busy.  Andrew and I have been spending a lot of time getting to know each other.  We spent a weekend in January in Bowling Green with my best friend from high school and her husband.  The Gibsons dominated us in racquetball, but Andrew and I defeated them in basketball :)  Then the next weekend we celebrated my sister's 23rd birthday in Cincinnati.  We had a family dinner and went ice skating for Katie's birthday.  Then SuperBowl weekend, I flew down to Dallas/Ft Worth to spend the weekend with Katie where she's currently on a project for work at Lockhead Martin.  We did everything authentically Texan...went to a rodeo, the Ft Worth Stockyards, saw a cattle drive, saw the new Cowboys stadium, and ate Mexican food.  We watched the SuperBowl at my Uncle Keith and Aunt Wei Wei's house and got to visit with our cousins Asya and Zion, who live in Plano, Texas, just about a half hour from Dallas.  It was great to have a sister weekend!  This past weekend Andrew and I celebrated Valentine's Day together by getting dressed up and going to a nice restaurant in Indianapolis.

While we haven't had the snow that my in-laws out in PA and everyone on the east coast has had, it seems like it will never end.  Even today it's been snowing a little.  Seems like it's been a month since we've been able to see the ground.  I'm definitely looking forward to warmer weather :)  My rollerblades are calling my name!!

Well, I better get my things together and head to my next class.  One bad thing about the snow is everyone parks crazy because you can't see the lines.  That combined with the huge piles of snow taking up free parking spots makes finding a place to park quite an ordeal.  I have to leave myself a little extra time to drive around for awhile.

Thanks for your continued prayers as I move forward in life.  Please continue to lift up my classes, my upcoming job change and move, and of course my relationship with Andrew.  All these things have been such blessings from God this year that I never would have expected.  Love you all!

~Kristen

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!  In a year when it would be easy to not be thankful for the position I am in, I realized how blessed I truly am.  I had a friend ask me last night what I'm thankful for.  It was so good for me to think through all the things I'm thankful for.  I will attempt to repeat some of what my answer was...

I am thankful for amazing friends and family, without whom I could not have made it through this year.  I am thankful to God for guiding my decisions soon after Joel's death.  I could not have known then how good for me it would be to stay in Muncie.  I'm glad I decided to take classes.  I'm glad I decided to stay at my house and my job.  It has been such a good transition year.  I'm thankful that God has provided for me financially by several different means.  Most of all this year, I'm thankful for all the years I had with Joel...for all I learned from him about life and love and loving my Savior.

This past week was a good week.  My sister Katie and I drove to Pennsylvania.  We spent Sunday with our former youth pastor and his family.  The Cosgroves are now serving at a church in Reading, PA.  Then Sunday night we drove back to the Chambersburg area and spent Monday and Tuesday with Joel's family.  We stayed in Joel's aunt and uncle's rental cottage.  It was such a blessing.

I came to an interesting realization this week.  I realized that while Joel's family received a lot of compassion, sympathy, and attention, my family seems to have been left out of that.  In fact, they have been hurt by how little people have supported them over the past 4 months, and even during Joel's illness.  They lost a son and a brother just like Joel's family did.  Some people seem to have already forgotten that.  Grief is a long process.  Spending a holiday without someone who was present with us last year is difficult.

Despite the sadness at times, we had a great Thanksgiving yesterday.  My entire Dad's side of the family was present, including my cousin Matthew's fiancee Karren.  My Grandma even commented that she had all ten of her grandchildren together for the first time in awhile.  I have an amazing, loving family.  I'll be in Ohio until sometime on Sunday, and then plan to return the following weekend to celebrate my 27th birthday.  Am I really getting that old? :)

Sometimes I hate that my life is not going to look like I planned and dreamed.  I thought I found the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with...and now he's gone...and I have to figure out what God has for me next.  Do I want to stay at my current job?  I like these accounting classes...do I want to move to a job more focused on accounting where I can pursue my CPA?  Do I want to live in Indiana...or Ohio...or somewhere else?  I feel like I want to get married again someday...but to who?  and when?  And when am I ready for that?  Everyone has their opinion, but how do I really know when I'm ready?  Sorry for the negativity, but it's been a long week, and I've been under the weather as well.

On a positive note, though, I had a great weekend a week and a half ago with Joel's family.  God is truly healing all of our hearts as we move on with life without Joel.  Hocking Hills was beautiful, although I think we missed the peak fall color by about a week.  Most of the leaves were already down.

Pray for me about the things mentioned above.  They're all the decisions/questions swimming around my head.  I want to do what God wants...but how do I know what that is?